Well it's been a little over nine years since I posted the original post. Indeed I am the OP. The first post wasn't a troll post.
Ha, I remember my initial reaction as a 14-yr old was "why would he be telling me to 'stop jacking off?'" -- and so I never replied to the thread. At least I learned quickly that the Internet isn't all nice people, though "thank you" to the folks who defended my pubescent naiveté.
To put some closure on this thread, I got around to lifting (somewhat) regularly and now weigh a mostly lean 165lb. 3x5 stats: Bench is around 155lb, squat at 195lb, Deadlift at 225lb.
Thanks for all the support these last nine years!